How to ACTUALLY Cut the Toxicity Out of Your Life… Or Mend It
By Lauren Jones
“Cut the toxicity out of your life!” “Let go of the people who bring you down!” “Only surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself!” It is likely that during a scroll down on Instagram you have seen at least one of these motivational messages. Those who post or repost these kinds of messages are coming from a good place — they want you to make the necessary changes to better your life. However, there is a common trend within all of these messages: they do not actually tell you how to accomplish these tasks.
It seems like common sense that we would all cut the “toxic” people out of our lives if it were really as easy as these posts make it seem. The reality is that sometimes the people who are deemed “toxic” are friends who we have either grown up with or share a college friend-group with. Eliminating a friendship that has been fostered at a young age or distancing ourselves from meaningful college relationships should not be deemed as simple as ripping off a bandaid; it has serious repercussions.
First and foremost, who qualifies as a “toxic” friend? This can be identified in many forms, but the most common signs include: feeling self conscious around this person, not being able to tell this person about significant events in your life, never having this person ask about what is going on in your life, having your feelings unjustified by this person, feeling as though you are the only one putting in the effort to maintain the relationship, feeling like this person is taking advantage of your kindness, having this person make snide comments about you (however small), and having this person only talk about themselves when you are together. I hate to break it to you, but if you resonate with one or more of these, you may be entangled with a toxic friendship.
It is important that you complete this process of releasing a toxic friend in a healthy, safe, and productive way. Firstly, you should have an honest dialogue in person (nothing good ever comes from doing this over text). Many people preach about “not owing anyone an explanation” for your actions, which may be true, but you could help this person grow from their mistakes. Feeling lost about where to begin your conversation is normal. I suggest creating a list of talking points so that you can remember everything that you want to mention. Remember to allow your counterpart a turn to speak because they may also have things they wish to discuss with you. If they are willing to work on themselves to better your relationship, you can collaborate on how you both will adjust to mend the friendship.
However, if they become defensive or dismissive, it may be in your best interest to not pursue this relationship further. Your next step can be explaining how they have played a large role in your life, but you do not foresee this friendship blossoming in the future. Remind them that you do not want to hurt them, but maintaining this relationship is hurting you. Lastly, you can tell them that you do not hate them, nor do you want to wish them any harm. It is important to remain amicable, especially if you share mutual friends with this person. You can pay homage to your evolution in life together and wish them well.
The aftermath of the encounter is just as important as the encounter itself. If you are in the same friend-group as this person, you should talk to the other members so they are aware of the situation. You can encourage them not to take sides, but that is ultimately out of your control. If you feel uncomfortable seeing their name floating around, I suggest muting them on Instagram (it is a lot less harsh than blocking). Most importantly, take care of yourself. It is hard to mourn the loss of a friendship, but if this person truly was “toxic,” you should feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Growing through this process is something that you should be proud of, and something that your real friends will commend you for.
