Toxic Positivity: It’s Okay To Not Be Okay
By Madeline Wujek
Imagine you had a bad day. Maybe you received bad news, a test didn’t go well, or you had a tense discussion with your roommates about whose turn it is to buy toilet paper. None of these negative feelings last forever, but the moment stings anyways, so you turn to a friend to talk it out. Now imagine that your friend listens to your story, clearly seeing that the experience is negatively affecting you, and immediately gives the advice, “Stay positive!,” “It’s okay, you’ll get over it soon,” or “It could be a lot worse, you know.” Chances are, your friend is incredibly well-intentioned, and they’re only saying these things with the goal of cheering you up. However, you don’t quite feel cheered up after hearing them. Instead, you start wondering if you’re overreacting, if you should already be over it, or if you shouldn’t have even been upset in the first place.
If you find yourself feeling unsettled after having a conversation like this or seeing these excruciatingly optimistic messages in the media, you are not alone. These types of responses fall into the category of “toxic positivity,” a term commonly used to describe an insensitive overgeneralization of a positive state of being. While it may seem harmless to offer these remarks to a friend in need, what it actually does is perpetuate the notion that life is always sunshine and rainbows if you just try hard enough to see it. It completely dismisses negative emotions that a person may be feeling. Sure, there certainly are “people who have it worse” in this world, and perspective is very important to keep in mind. However, the human experience is entirely relative, and any emotion an individual has is completely valid because that feeling is based on that one individual’s lived experience. We feel because we experience, not because we are told what to feel.
Toxic positivity culture also works to erase the constructive value of negative emotion, which in reality is completely normal. Relativity has everything to do with how we go about our lives. Without the lows, there are no highs. Without feeling sad, there is no way to differentiate when we’re happy; without feeling left out or abandoned by a group of people, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the true, genuine love that friendship brings us. Social media can make it seem as though a good life consists only of good emotions, but that’s not the case. Sunshine doesn’t last all day and butterflies are seasonal creatures; it is okay to not be okay, and you deserve to be supported through the good times and bad.
Though this mindset may seem challenging to dismantle, there are many easy ways to support a friend without falling into the toxic positivity trap. Being a good friend is incredibly simple if you follow the golden rule – lead with empathy. Instead of telling a friend, “I really don’t understand why you’re so upset about that,” you could say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, that really sucks! What can I do to help right now?” More often than not, we just need someone to listen to us and someone who validates our feelings. Instead of saying, “People have it worse,” try responding with, “You aren’t alone.” You can remind your friend that many people go through something similar and come out stronger on the other side. Acknowledging that a friend is allowed to experience these emotions, that they are strong for talking about them, and that you are there for them regardless of their emotional state creates a safe, stable, and trustworthy environment. These types of conversations will not only be beneficial for your friend in the moment, but also very beneficial for your friendship in the long run.
