Empathic Listening: A Beginner’s Guide to Being The ‘Therapist Friend’
By Bailey Spear
Most of the time, I can convince myself that fixing is what I’m good at, whether it be people, things, situations. Really, though, I’m just a girl who wants to be good at fixing. A girl who tries so damn hard to make things better that things actually end up getting worse. Trust me, there's a difference between the two.
That’s not to say I’m special or anything. Lots of people want to help their friends in times of need! I’m just one of a million other late-adolescents who wish they knew what to say to their besties after they get ghosted by the douchebag in their COM class. The first instinct, of course, is to unload some words of kindness along with some unsolicited advice:
He is truly unfortunate looking. U dodged a major bullet. 🙌🏻
U have 10/10 communication skills and that level of mental stability scares ppl.
MOVE ON, GIRL!!!
That being said, as much as I love sharing my advice to anyone who will listen, some people — and this might come as a shock — don't really want to hear what you think they should do! Even when you know that your words could be the magic wand to solve their problems, Fairy Godmother style, attempts to be empathetic might just come across as in-your-face, brutally honest, and just plain snooty.
I was sitting in my Clinical Psychology class (shoutout to my fellow wannabe therapists) when I learned about a technique born from the practice of person-centered psychology that changed the way I thought about approaching these kinds of conversations altogether: EMPATHIC LISTENING. Normally, when we practice what constitutes expressing empathy, we try to relate to those we are speaking to. Really, though, asking people to explain what happened before hitting them with a wow, I completely understand how you’re feeling isn’t as compassionate as you may believe. Given that I had such a reality shift after learning about empathic listening, I thought I would share some of the basics so that you can treat your friends with the kindness they deserve! So, without further adieu, here is…
BEE’S GUIDE TO EMPATHIC LISTENING
DO: Listen! Try to understand the core of the issue, paying attention to tone of voice and body language.
DON’T: Give your opinion on the situation (even when you're right)!
DO: Use your amazing listening skills to get the essentials on what happened and confirm you understand how they're feeling, beginning with phrases like “I sense that…” or “So I may be way off base, but what I’m hearing that…” and ending with something along the line of “does that sound right?”
DON’T: Ask too many questions! You might be surprised by how much people will say without prodding.
DO: Give your friend a good hug. This technique is not specific to the empathic approach, I just think hugs are nice.
There really is no wrong way to support your friends, but having some guidance might make you feel a little bit better about trying to help. Just remember: you can’t fix everything, but you can try!
