So You're Questioning Your Sexuality - Now What?
By Anonymous
It catches you out of nowhere. Whether you’re hanging out with that objectively attractive yet totally platonic friend, walking past displays of topless models in the mall, or watching a movie or TV show and trying to figure out who exactly you’re attracted to, the realization hits you like truck: maybe I’m not straight.
I’ve been there, and it’s a hot mess of emotion. The excitement, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the why-can’t-someone-just-tell-me-if-Ryan-from-math-class-is-a-friend-crush-or-a-crush-crush-why-do-I-have-to-figure-this-out-for-myself-this-is-so-stupid, but above all, the predominant emotion is confusion. While I can’t promise these suggestions are foolproof or will clear things up for everyone, here are a few tips that helped me when I was questioning my sexuality. For reference, I am a bisexual woman.
Explore, explore, explore!
There’s a ton of great online content detailing the spectrum of sexualities and misconceptions about them. Over the summer, I also found a ton of great stuff on TikTok, of all places, where people share how they knew their sexualities as well as common experiences of queer individuals that I wish I could have seen a few years ago. You can also find popular media depicting healthy LGBTQ+ relationships—books, movies, TV shows, NSFW content—and see what sparks your interest.
Don’t worry about the stereotypes.
I used to think there was no way I was attracted to girls because I didn’t fit certain stereotypes about how a woman who likes women “should” act or dress. No matter what superficial stereotype you’re hung up on, I promise you it doesn’t matter. If you don’t conform to a single stereotype surrounding a certain sexuality, it doesn’t invalidate your identity. If you conform to every single stereotype but don’t feel attached to that sexuality at all, it doesn’t invalidate your identity. Only you can define your sexuality.
Make the distinction between one-off fantasies and consistent patterns.
Once, my friend and I were going through my Pinterest board of celebrities. She mentioned how although she was straight, she would totally get with Zendaya or Kiera Knightley if given the chance. I agreed but added in another female celebrity, and another, and another, and another . . . wait a second . . .
Think about if you actually like being with a certain gender or just the idea of it.
Do you crush on people of the opposite sex but lose interest when it might become something more? What about people of the same sex? Are you only attracted to famous, fictional, idealized, or otherwise unattainable people of the opposite sex (more so than people you know)? What about people of the same sex?
Take another look at those “friend crushes” you’ve had.
This is a tricky one, but I eventually realized I treated my “friend crushes” or “I just really want to be her” crushes and my guy crushes in a similar fashion. Insta-stalking them, getting a little nervous when they were around, thinking and talking about them all the time, wishing I were more like them, and—to my surprise—not opposed to making out with them either. (Note: friend crushes do exist as my straight friends have confirmed to me, so be careful with this one.)
Remember this process is different for everyone.
Figuring out who you are as well as juggling your other responsibilities is not easy. As much pressure as you may feel to just figure it out already, everyone goes through this at their own pace. Don’t feel like you need to rush yourself to figure it out. Sexuality is also fluid, so if you feel the need to relabel yourself later or if you don’t want to label yourself at all, that’s perfectly okay, too.
Above all, remember that no matter what identity you realize you are, you are just as valid and loved and worthy of all the good things the world has to offer.
