How to Respond When Someone Comes Out to You
By Anonymous
Over the weekend, I came out to a family member for the first time, and it went really well(!!!). I was fairly assured this would be the case, as our previous conversations suggested he would be more than accepting of my sexuality. Even so, my Apple Watch informed me that my heart rate on the way to meet up with him peaked at a whopping 160 BPM, and that’s without caffeine.
Even for individuals surrounded by accepting loved ones, coming out can be absolutely terrifying. As their confidante, you have an opportunity to provide emotional support, calm any anxieties they have, and celebrate your loved one and this new information about them! Here are a few important things to remember when someone comes out to you.
Meet them at their level. I’ve come out in a variety of ways. Sometimes, I’ll quickly slip it into conversation if I’m not in the mood for a deep conversation about it. Sometimes, I want to talk more about my experience. Whatever the person coming out decides, try to match their mood. If they want to just mention it and move on, don’t bombard them with a bunch of questions or make it a “thing”. Offer a quick, positive acknowledgement (“Cool, thanks for telling me!”), and pick back up where you left off. If they want to tell you more about their experience, listen, ask them questions when appropriate, and don’t try to breeze past it this like it’s something trivial.
Establish who else knows and respect their boundaries. In many cases, they will bring this up themselves. If not, make sure you confirm who else is aware of their sexuality and/or gender identity, especially other people in your circle. As excited as you may be to shout the news from the rooftops, remember coming out is a huge sign of trust, and it’s up to you not to break that.
Be prepared to reassure them. Internalized homophobia/biphobia/transphobia are real, and I have plenty of experience with the second. Especially if your loved one has just started coming out to people, they may feel insecure in themselves which might come up in your conversations (e.g. “I know it’s weird considering I’ve only ever dated guys” “I don’t know if I’m describing this well” “Sorry, that was kind of an emotional dump”). Be sure to (lovingly yet vehemently) push back against this rhetoric. I can’t tell you how many times little things like these have slipped out when I have come out and how helpful it was to hear validation from others.
Make sure they know that your relationship will carry on. If there’s something you like to do with your loved one—Thursday Cova lunches, Love Island watch parties, spamming their DMs with an ungodly number of TikToks—keep up those traditions, and try to organize another event soon after. The sight of your “Still down for hiking this weekend?” text after coming out to you will make their day.
Don’t make this about yourself. This is about your loved one who is probably extremely nervous about opening themselves up to you, so don’t make yourself the center of attention. Some common self-centered responses you should avoid include:
“I knew it all along!” It’s okay if you admit you had some speculations here and there; as someone trying to scope out fellow Girl in Red listeners, I speculate about people’s sexuality all the time. The problem is when you box someone into a specific sexuality with 100% certainty, taking the power away from them to define themselves on their own terms.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” You’re never obligated to know vulnerable information about your loved one. They have every right to tell you in their time, and they chose to tell you in this moment, so focus on how wonderful that is instead of the past.
“Have you ever had a crush on me?” This is not about whether your friend has the hots for you. Straight people are capable of being friends without ever developing feelings for each other. The same is true of LGBTQ+ individuals.
“You’re still my friend no matter what.” Yes, I’m about to nitpick but for a good reason. While well-meaning, language like “still” and “no matter what” implies you love someone despite their sexuality, as if it’s a scarlet letter instead of another awesome part of who they are.
“It doesn’t matter to me.” You may not view your loved one any differently, but for someone who has probably agonized over when and where and how to share something that could end your relationship, it matters. Don’t belittle what they just did.
Finally, remember you have the power to turn this experience from one that caused them anxiety to one that gives them a spring in their step and peace of mind. After I came out over the weekend, I felt ten pounds lighter and so relaxed I nearly missed my train stop. If you’re looking for specific, comforting things to say, here are some responses that never hurt to hear when coming out:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“Is there anything you’d like to do to celebrate?” (Or if they say no, buy them lunch or something anyway. This is hard, and they deserve it.)
“If you’d ever like to talk about this more, I’m here and would love to listen.”
A hug (oxytocin after a big revelation is 10/10).
“I’m so happy you feel comfortable sharing this.”
“Is there anything specific I can do to support you?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I love you.”
