Why Women Should Stop Apologizing
By Grace McGowan
I first noticed my tendency to over-apologize in sixth grade. A boy who wasn’t looking where he was going barreled into me in the hallway, and I quickly said, “I’m so sorry.” He gave me a confused look and replied, “Why are you sorry? I ran into you.” This small incident eight years ago brought my attention to how I was apologizing constantly for things that weren’t my fault, such as other people running into me. Moreover, I was apologizing for things that didn’t even warrant apologies. “Sorry” was a compulsory preface to many things I said in class or at work, as if asking for clarification or stating my opinion was something that would offend other people.
This spring, my attention was called once again to how much I was apologizing. As I was applying for internships and preparing for interviews, I began to research how to be self-assured and successful as a candidate and as an employee. Many of the articles led me back to this idea: you are your own best advocate, so you need to make your skills and contributions known. Behavior that is interpreted as insecure will inhibit your ability to advocate for yourself and undercut your qualifications. This meant that, among other things, I needed to stop saying “sorry.” The more time I spent monitoring and limiting the amount of times I apologized, the more I noticed that lots of women (both those I know and strangers) say “sorry” constantly.
Where does this tendency to over-apologize come from? I believe it’s linked to the way women are raised and how we are taught to exist in both private and public spheres. Girls are often taught to put the feelings and wants of others above all else. Girls are also taught that offensive behavior has a much wider scope than the definition of offensive behavior that boys are taught. This is not to say that men are rude or offensive in their everyday behavior, but instead that girls and women apologize for everything while men only apologize for actual offenses.
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Rachel Hollis, the author of a book called Girl, Stop Apologizing, told Parade, “It doesn’t matter what culture you’re raised in, most little girls are raised to please. We’re taught to be a good girl and we like when our parents’ friends say that we’re pretty and well-behaved. And when you’re little, learning to please is how you get love.”
Unlearning that your ultimate goal in life should be to please others (and learning instead to favor your own ambitions and well-being) is an important process for all women and girls to undergo. Ideally, we wouldn’t have to do so at all. But, reaching a state of mind where you no longer worry about the space you take up is freeing, especially because the concept that behaving like a normal human being in the workplace, in classrooms, and in relationships is somehow disrespectful to others is a mere illusion.
So, you should stop apologizing. But how? And how can you encourage the women around you to do the same? Once I made a conscious effort to stop unnecessarily saying “sorry,” I found alternative ways to express what I was trying to say. When speaking up in a meeting or in class, I’ll say, “I’d like to add...” or, “Can you clarify...” instead of, “Sorry, but...” If someone is pointing out a mistake I made, I’ll say, “Thanks for bringing that to my attention.” Most importantly to me, I’ll make a point to say, “No need to apologize,” in response to other women if they have said “sorry” for something that they really don’t need to be sorry for. Cutting out unwarranted apologies might seem like a small act, but it really does change the way you behave in both your professional and personal life. When you stop constantly saying “sorry,” you stop constantly feeling like you’ve done something wrong. I encourage all women and girls to start paying attention to how much you’re apologizing in your life– and then see how changing that behavior builds your confidence and peace of mind.
