Your Friend's Breakdown Is Not Your Own: Setting Boundaries In Friendships Around Mental Health

By Olivia Pfeiffer

As the weather gets colder and the sun goes down at 4:30 in the afternoon, the mood gets darker and questions around mental health begin to arise. All of a sudden, it seems like you — and everyone around you —- is doing worse, people are going to the counseling center left and right. In this transition into winter, as finals stress and mental health worsens with less sunlight, it is no surprise that people begin to struggle. You might find your friends turning to you, talking about their increased depression, or how anxious they are feeling about their classes, or about how their relationship is on the rocks. And don’t get me wrong — it is good to be there for your friends and be a support and confidant. However, as things begin to ramp up, it is important to remember that their worsening mental health is not your own, and as an empathetic person it can be easy to “take on” their struggles in a sense, feeling so deeply for what they are going through that you begin to do so yourself. How do you navigate the line between being there for your friends without taking on their struggles? At what point do you say no? Although I cannot begin to offer all the answers, here are a few tips for setting boundaries around other people’s breakdowns and your own. 

1. Know when to prioritize and when to say no

Your ability to be there for a friend can vary by week, or month, or even just by the day. Learn to find the balance between finding time for your friends and finding time for yourself or your schoolwork. This comes down to open communication between you and a friend who is struggling. It is critical to create some healthy boundaries around being their confidant, which makes them less dependent on you overall. 

2. Don’t be the only confidant

I know that it is very difficult for someone to confide in people, especially when they are struggling. However, it is extremely unfair to you if you are the only one who is hearing the struggles of a friend. It creates an unhealthy dynamic between the two people, in which one person feels pressured to always be there and hear them and support them. It means that you do not feel comfortable in saying no, because if you do not say no then your friend is not turning to anyone regarding their pain. Encourage your friend to confide in others, first other friends, and then eventually a therapist or counselor, a mentor who has resources that can help them. That removes the burden of stress from your own shoulders, and gives you the freedom to say no. 

3. You are not a therapist 

Unless you have gone through years of training in psychology and counseling and officially are a therapist, it is safe to assume that you are not one. You do not have the capabilities to offer a diagnosis or provide medication, and you are not trained on how to handle the heavy things people put on you. You shouldn’t expect to be your friend’s therapist, and you shouldn’t believe that you can replace one. If your friend is treating you like their therapist, they are putting an emotional burden on you that you might not be equipped to handle. Furthermore, they might not feel the need to get a therapist because they have people who are listening to them — this is not the case. Stress the importance of them finding a therapist, and suggest going to the counseling center with them to set up an appointment. 

4. In the end, you come first 

In the end, it is not bad to place your own needs above anyone else’s. If your friend’s constant negative self-talk is beginning to affect the way that you view yourself, or their anxiety is making you anxious, you need to take a step back. I am not suggesting abandoning them, but you need to put some separation between their struggles and your own. Openly communicate with them about how you can’t only be there to talk about the bad things all the time. If they have a therapist or other friends who they are talking to, make sure they are also confiding in them. And if your own mental health is worsening, don’t be afraid to seek help too — you are not their therapist, but there is no shame in finding one on your own. If you cannot take care of yourself, then it may become impossible for you to be there for your friends at all, so setting boundaries before it happens is a good way to ensure you can be there for them without being too overwhelmed. At the end of the day, you come first, so make sure you are first taking care of yourself.