Conflict: The Good and the Bad
By: Isabella Bezzone
What is conflict? What are the myths that people believe about conflict? Is conflict good or bad, or both? These are some of the questions that crossed my mind when I signed up to take a course called “Communication & Conflict” this semester. To my surprise, conflict itself is significant enough a topic that there is a whole course dedicated to defining, evaluating, and managing it in all areas of life: personal, social, familial, and corporate. Just think about it— we are probably already very familiar with many types of conflict: between roommates, friends, significant others, classmates, parents, siblings, etc. Sometimes it is easy to become overwhelmed when faced with brewing conflict, but this article is here to explain how we can better understand how to approach and understand conflicts that come our way.
A conflict can be anything from a simple difference of opinion, disagreement, dispute, hostility, tension, or a falling-out. We immediately believe all conflict is bad, and avoidable. False. Conflict is in fact inevitable, and not all conflict is bad, or has to have a bad ending. Conflicts between peers, within relationships, and within families are a natural occurrence in life. While we may not be able to control the onset of all conflicts, we can control our actions that might provoke them, and, more importantly, the way in which we deal with conflict.
It is important to establish the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. Healthy conflicts are those that are managed and resolved appropriately, which results in strengthening the relationship and providing learning experiences about ourselves and others. Unhealthy conflict can deteriorate relationships and can cause negative effects such as stress and anxiety. Unhealthy ways to treat conflict include denying the existence of a problem, giving up, rather than working on a solution, letting one’s emotions take control, such as anger and fear, and placing blame on the other, or external forces.
That being said, there are 5 main styles that people can deal with conflict listed below. There is no right or wrong style, however, it is important to be aware of your own conflict style and others’ in order to know how to manage your conflicts.
1. Avoiding — otherwise known as withdrawing from dealing with the problem. People who have an avoiding style will not want to deal with a conflict head-on. Instead, they are usually passive and tend to hide from confrontation.
2. Accommodating — otherwise known as setting aside one’s own needs in order to please the other person. Those with accommodating styles surrender their own power to the other person in the hopes to satisfy the other’s wishes or needs.
3. Competing — otherwise known as the assertive style, advocating for a position and often the use of power to achieve one’s goals. Those with a competing style will aim to achieve their own goals, and aim to take control of the situation.
4. Compromising — otherwise known as the “win-win” style, which reflects an intermediate degree of concern for self and for the other. People with compromising styles will focus on meeting halfway, using a “give-and-take” strategy.
5. Collaborating — otherwise known as the style which reflects a high level of concern for one’s own goals and the goals of others, by using integration of both goals and understanding why each person wants or believes what he/she does. Similar to compromising, those with collaborating styles value both their own goals, and those of others, but also exercises empathetic listening in order to understand another’s perspective.
Because people can have different attitudes and views toward conflict, it can influence how someone may manage or respond to conflict. By familiarizing ourselves with these conflict styles, we can understand the different lenses through which people see conflict, which can ultimately help facilitate better conversation and understanding among others.
An example of different approaches people could use to the same conflict is a disagreement between roommates. Let’s say one roommate likes the room cold (Roommate A) and the other prefers it warm (Roommate B). If Roommate A has an avoiding style, he/she will not confront the Roommate B about his/her preferences, with the intentions of not wanting to start a fight. If Roommate B has a competing style, he/she will detect the other’s avoidance, and keep maintaining the warm temperature. The roommate who avoids conflict can also be accommodating by continuing to let the other roommate dictate the temperature in the room. If either of the roommates has a compromising style, one might suggest to the other some strategies such as having the heat on during the day, but not at night, rotating nights with heat on and off, or suggesting using an electric fan for the roommate who prefers cold temperatures, while the other can be unaffected by the fan. The compromising roommate demonstrates concern for the other roommate’s wishes, while maintaining his/her own satisfaction as well.
In these kinds of situations, the style one might use depends on his or her own comfort level with confrontation and problem-solving, and his/her concern for the other party’s desires. It is up to us to determine the importance of a problem, and the ways in which we can come to an appropriate resolution.
To find out what your own conflict style is, click on the link below.
http://www.blake-group.com/sites/default/files/assessments/Conflict_Management_Styles_Assessment.pdf
