Attachment Styles
By Clara Farres
The theory of attachment depicts particular emotional bonds an individual might form with significant people in his/her life. According to this theory, early childhood experiences are bound to influence the way we form relationships in life. Our attachment style affects how we feel about our interactions with others in our everyday lives—especially in romantic relationships. Understanding the three different attachment styles and how to manage them can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The three styles are categorized as secure, anxious, and avoidant. A secure attachment style provides a sense of comfort and security in close relationships. Those with a secure attachment style often feel safe and valued by others and by their partner. They are comfortable with closeness, emotional intimacy, and most importantly vulnerability. Secure individuals understand that sharing their thoughts, feelings, and emotions makes them vulnerable but is necessary. While it is scary to expose yourself to someone, it can actually bring you closer to that person in the building of trust, encouraging empathy, fostering intimacy, and creating shared experiences overall.
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance from their partner. Those with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure and unsure of their partner’s love. This usually leads to jealousy and possessiveness. These individuals worry that their partner might leave them, even if there is no evidence to support this fear. Unfortunately, this fear leads to behaviors that may actually drive a partner away, such as becoming overly clingy or demanding. This also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where one’s fears become a reality because their fear-driven behavior drives their partner away.
An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a need for independence. Those with an avoidant attachment style may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may withdraw from their partner when they feel too close. They also have a tendency to leave and may prefer to keep their relationships casual.
These three attachment styles can manifest differently in everyday relationships. In romantic relationships, these styles are particularly important. Those with a secure attachment style tend to have more fulfilling and long-lasting relationships. These relationships entail communication and effective emotional intimacy. Those with an anxious attachment style struggle with feeling insecure in the relationship and may need more reassurance from their partner. Those with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and have a tendency to distance themselves. Often, they don’t even understand why this happens.
So, how can we manage our attachment styles to ensure they do not take over our everyday lives and relationships? First, it’s crucial to become aware of our attachment style and make a note of how it affects our relationships. Do you get anxious when you have a fight or do you get uncomfortable when your partner talks about the emotional aspects of the relationship? Mediating these feelings can involve seeking the help of a therapist or doing some reading to inform yourself. Once we are aware of our attachment style, we can take steps to address the negative patterns and consequent behaviors. This could be done through learning how to communicate more effectively with our partner, practicing self-compassion, and taking steps to increase our self-esteem.
Understanding our attachment style and how it seeps into our relationships can lead to healthier and more fulfilling connections with others. Not only that, but it will lead to a tremendously less amount of self-blame or anxiety regarding a situation—the sole recognition of an attachment style’s presence already creates space between what you think/feel and the reality of the situation. These attachment styles are in no way fixed or permanent. They are a product of experiences and can most definitely change over time with self-reflection and effort.
