When It's Time to Go
By Irene Koch
(Before I begin, yes, this article was inspired by a Taylor Swift song, and what about it?)
As college students, we are going through a significant period of personal development. The experience of living away from home, figuring out what we want to do with our lives, and dealing with a totally normal and uneventful past year means we probably aren’t the same people we were when we started college—which is a good thing! However, when our friends are headed down different trajectories and time spent with them feels a little different, we are faced with the difficult decision. Do we push through this weird period and hope it gets better, or do we gently start to pull away? If you’re at these crossroads with a friend, here are some tips to know, as the great Taylor Swift says, when it’s time to go:
The relationship feels consistently one-sided. Everyone has their own personal struggles from time to time which may lead them to be less present or more focused on themselves than they should. If you find that you’re almost always the one taking initiative, the one listening to their problems when they never ask about yours, or the one who’s there for them when they’re not there for you, it might be time to stop watering a dead plant.
You have nothing to talk about. The conversation is forced, comprised of topics you came up with in advance, or filled with awkward silences that weren’t there before. This isn’t necessarily a reflection on you or your friend’s characters; friends growing apart as they grow up happens all the time. Just because you may have been good friends two years ago doesn’t mean you have to be good friends now.
They are constantly negative or obnoxiously positive. You and your friend are meant to be there for each other through both the highs and the lows. However, your friend shouldn’t spend all their time dumping their negativity on you and dragging down your mood. Conversely, while positivity is great, an overwhelmingly, unrealistically positive attitude can make you feel like you can’t talk to them about anything other than sunshine and rainbows which isn’t healthy either.
They make you feel worse instead of better. This is one of the clearest signs of a friendship gone bad because the yucky feeling you get in your gut during or after spending time with them doesn’t lie. If your friend makes you feel inadequate by putting you down, drained by dragging you through their problems without any concern for yours, confined by what they say you can and can’t do, dreaded at the prospect of hanging out with them, and/or relieved when you part with them, don’t keep them around at the expense of your mental health.
Finally, remember you are never obligated to be friends with someone, especially if that someone treats you less like a friend and more like a footstool. Whether you choose to let the friendship dissipate over time by not reaching out to them as much or to have a conversation with them about the ways they have hurt you, ending an unhealthy friendship will free you the mental space to cultivate more positive relationships. Once again, as Taylor Swift says, “sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing.”
